Coming up for a title is hard for me. It took me about ten minutes to looked up for terminology of “pants”, then I just decided to use Esperanto word instead.
I feel like writing something in another language tonight, partially because it feels kind of scary to express my feelings in Chinese. It doesn’t feel safe for me. It always gives me a vibe that is heavy and judgy, so I’ll get really self-absorbed, plus I can recognize my feelings better in English.
Today the room temperature dropped to 18 °C when I woke up, almost freezing me immediately; however, I still needed to get up and change my tampon. After the return to my blanket, I am completely awake, and that sucks. I feel terrible when I realize things will change without my consent, like the weather, temperature, or time. It sounds pretty presumptuous of me, I guess, but you get the idea.
I spent most of my time on reading and browsing clothing on the internet. The dead line of my visa application is due to the middle of the December and I got A LOT stuff to deal with. But there’s people got covid occurs somewhere super far away from my home so before the whole district is “clear”, I CAN NOT GO ANYWHERE. That means I should really start to list everything I need for study abroad and go get them.
Buying stuff for myself have always been hard for me, harder than making a title. Those intrusive thoughts won’t leave me alone, especially when I need stuff for legitimate reasons. I haven’t brought myself some decent clothes for years, and when it’s too cold to go outside with a t-shirt and trousers, I will just stay indoors for the rest of the winter. It hurts me whenever I need to buy necessities for myself; a deep guilt and unworthiness drown my body and leave me in chill and suffocation.
I cried while talking to Winn on the phone. He just listened to me talk about my feelings and my childhood. I wonder why I have such enormous loss and shame buried deep inside myself. I can remember having a fairly fine childhood. There were plenty of traumas, of course, but I never experienced poverty or starvation. My family back then was pretty decent, wealthy even. How come I felt like I don’t deserve a 30¥ shirt?
He was kind to me, but I can sense his breath getting heavier as I talk. Winn tried to remain calm and comfort me, then he got a little aggressively protective. He speaks to me firmly that my childhood was definitely not as materially abundant as I thought it was, even though I got clothing and can eat fancy stuff often.
The rest of the night, Winn’s simply so angry and protective because of what I’ve been through that he can’t really talk much before collapsing into a hypnagogic state. Which I found really cute and interesting, he have this sort of auto mode before falling asleep, I just looked up my dictionary for some word and it just play the pronunciation for me, he heard that then slowly repeated the word a several time. It reminds me we always cuddles on the bed and he will hold my hand while he falls asleep. Every time I tried to pull it out so I can turn over, he always tightens my hand, even if I successfully escape, his hand will get grabby and searching for mine. It brings me joy when I think about such things.
I feel a lot better now. Winn is not good with words; he will just repeatedly tell me I am adorable, I am worthy, and he loves me. Kinda dumb to be honest, but I wouldn’t deny I enjoy every second of using my verbal superiority to tease him to death. It’s 0:20 now, and I should go get some sleep. Winn is having a little snoring over the phone. Maybe tomorrow I will check something like impostor syndrome and survivor guilt, but for now, I need to get my nightly routine down and release the shield I created in the morning. Ya know, totally normal stuff, not withcy at all.
And yeah, I spent like an hour to write this stuff. Pretty neat, eh? I forgot to mention that I put some pants on today because it’s freezing inside. That’s it, that’s the meaning of the title, I’m really bad at making titles.